Putting things in perspective

Life really is fragile.

The week

Fair bit of worrying and stressing up and breaking down at certain bits. It's so surreal everything is coming to an end. This I still find hard to accept.

I'm still trying to savour every remnant left of the four years.

Dear feat

17Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
19God, the Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet like the deer’s;
he makes me tread on my high places.

- Habbakuk 3:17-19

How it feels like these days

Settling down

The last hamster's name was supposed to be Chickpea. It suddenly came to me when we were talking about Indian food. Oh well, now the hamster is called Munchy, much cuter and apt because it's gonna end up with Min Zhi anyway. :)

Today I hurried out of school, the search for chocolate as first priority in my mind. It's the baggage and expectations that came with school life and assignments that scared me suddenly. The heavy rain pit-pattering, unpretentiously, as if this was the way things should be.

These are the echoes of Eden
Reflections of what we were created for
Hints of the passion and freedom
That waits on the other side of Heaven's door
These are the echoes of Eden

It excites and frightens me at the same time. It makes me want to dance all day and smile at the silliness of thought. Yet I should really be concentrating on studying for the last lap instead.

This is so us

For me and for you

Kinda, tired,

I'm tired and in need of a cuddle-up.

Drained

Mentally. Realised I would probably be running on locomotive till 6 May then Europe here I come!!!

It's my last semester in NUS, and it all feels a bit surreal. I remember Year 1 Sem 1 when Caleb counted that I had 7 more rounds of examinations to go. Oh wow.

At least I'm delighted to say that I've enjoyed every bit of my university life. For the most parts at least, I'm not one who remembers the icky bits very well. So it's been good. It would be better if I could survive this round of exams too, I guess.

On an irrelevant note, I have now five baby hamsters. It's been a week since they were naked and pink, now they are a bit furry and endearingly squeaky. Mummy hamster has been rather edgy having to feed her babies and is constantly suspicious of us humans. I'm naming them Pennylucks, Baileys, Muffin, Finch and the last name sorta slipped my mind when I thought of it at first, I was tipsy after two glasses of Firefinch then. I suppose it would come back soon, or I'll just think of another name.

Last night

Last night we stayed up over wine and conversation. Four bowls of maggie mee topped with scrambled eggs and chilli tuna.

Before we know it, the birds twitter outside and morning light creeps into the darkness. Time as fleeting as it always has been.

Such are wonders of what is the remaining of our student lives...

...except that I feel uncomfortable the following day, with remnants of wine churning in my stomach.

All I once held dear

Today was my interview which I think didn't go too well, but I can only submit all my hopes and dreams into God's hands without too much disappointments knowing that I've tried to open a door. A door that perhaps God wanted it to be shut for my own good.

As we talk about futures...all the possibilities and what ifs. I would say that I've been worked hard throughout my four years for this, for a little ideal I had at the back of my head, that little excitement and anticipation that kept me going. I guess, at least I've tried.

Your arms wrapped around me as you said a short prayer for me, thanking our Father for this opportunity, my interest in law, for my willingness to surrender my dreams in knowing that there are great plans for me, whatever they may be.

And I feel safe, and secure. Knowing that I am in good hands.

All I once held dear, built my life upon
All this world reveres, and wars to own
All I once thought gain I have counted loss
Spent and worthless now, compared to this

Knowing you, Jesus
Knowing you, there is no greater thing
You're my all, you're the best
You're my joy, my righteousness
And I love you, Lord

Disappointed

Sleeping is always more important to you.

Psalm 139

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

All I can think about during a Biomed Law lecture. It really is quite amazing.

Time flies

Been backing up my stuff on the new Mac and finding lovely 3 year old pictures like these.

So then I blurted out, "You know, I enjoy growing old with you."


And you, true to your roots, replied, "The best is yet to be."

Did I not imagine this

Did I not imagine this? Sitting in a cafe, reminiscing the past, the ice-cream sticked boat and that flying blackboard duster. Age has caught up with us, but not fast enough. There's still future to look forward to.

How comfortable and beautiful it is that old friendship exists in the subconscious mind, in the unspoken words, in the memory.

Only to be rekindled 12 years later, in a cafe on a cool drizzling noon.

Again I say rejoice...always, always, always.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

See how much I love you!

My dearest ChinaSep-Conflicts-ICL-friends love me so much!

Forgiveness

How fragile life can be. I just received news that Myadgaa, my Mongolian friend passed away last December. Somehow being miles away news take a longer time to travel.

I've never been that close to Myadgaa, even though I had the privilege of staying over at her place one night. Her mom made fantastic buutz and her dad was really hospitable. Her brother was very amusing and equally amused with Rixin and me. I remember linking hands with Myadgaa and taking a stroll to the barren park. The Mongolian night sky blanketed with a myriad of stars, each a shining diamond, twinkling even as I recall. It was beautiful.

We always knew she was of poor health and Chris emailed us to inform us that her health was deteriorating and needed funds for treatment. We sent our money over and didn't really hear from her since.

What could I have done? On hindsight I wished I had kept in touch with her, got to know her better and to share her life. Somehow it was easy to link hands and walk under the stars together when time was right and we were side by side. Distance made us lose contact and I stopped the effort to keep up with the friendship. Somehow with distance things seem less pressing, more surreal and fictional. I could have told her I was praying for her, yet it would be too late to do so now. I suppose there's a lot more I could have done.

Yet she is well now, she's waiting for us to meet again...someday. I take comfort in the knowledge that we would meet again. And when we do, I would ask for her forgiveness.

On hindsight

I realised I received the most beautiful present on my birthday.

From AnnTIC, discussing about social action and our responsibilities as Christians in the society with the law CFers, to putting things into action and seeing it materialise on 16 Feb morning. God really has a way of surprising me and seeing His plans unfold so neatly and beautifully. :)

Twenty-three

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well. - Psalm 139:14

Certainly feels somewhat the same, but still a special blessed day nonetheless.

The day is only just starting and I look forward to spending this day with friends, whether they know it or not. Perhaps it's just a way of thanking God for blessing us with relationships.

Thank you for the neat little surprises, and that surprise which I didn't turn up for. I am one blessed girl.

Why

does it feel like my heart was dug out and trampled over a hundred times?

Stupidity

Stupidity stupidity stupidity

A little summary

of my Chinese New Year so far.

First day:
Hung out at home for a while, Joel popped by to 'bai nian' in the afternoon. Parents allowed me to go to his grandpa's place for the day. At his grandpa's, sat around did pretty much nothing until I asked to shell some century eggs. Fussed over the baby cousin who looked amazingly similar to his brothers, which I thought it was kinda creepy in a certain way. Had good steamboat, went out to get drinks with Joel, Beth and Clarence, who I prefer to call Roger, and who responds to that as well. Then four of us headed over to Joel's place and laughed ourselves silly over 'Music and Lyrics'. Got a ride back home. :)

Second day:
Went to four houses in total, the best stay was at my uncle's place. Did a little animal-inventory around the house and came up with a list of pets. He has five aruwanas, three long necked tutrles, six cockatoos, one grey parrot, five red parrots, one big green parrot, one cute baby green parrot, one mynah, one yellow baby orion, two yellow parrots, five pigeons, lotsa koi and goldfish. (He had piranhas last year!) The more amazing thing was when we found this container of crackers tucked underneath one of the turtle tanks (picture attached). Evidently my uncle forgot all about them, he said his office had too many hamsters (he does forensic science related stuff). I don't really wanna know why they keep hamsters there! :p Anyhow, I adopted the four of them and gave them a nice bath when I got home. Of course, they didn't look like they appreciated it very much but they certainly did look happy to finally have space to run around!

Third day:
Was supposed to go to church for some CNY celebration but got pangsehed by a friend. Went for a 69 gathering at Kelvin's place instead, lost money for Sip at the mahjong table cos I was distracted by 'Shuang Tian Zhi Zun' showing on TV. Popped by Joel's, then went back to my place cos Joel wanted to see the hamsters. Joel bullied hamsters. Hamsters ignored Joel. Went to Munch's for dinner with lotsa great VCF friends, played saboteur and got distracted by 'The Simpsons' movie playing on DVD.

And yay for tomorrow cos it's another holiday and boo Monday. :1

Sad Sunday afternoon for kitty

Sasha had a bath. This was her climbing onto Joel's bed and licking herself dry.

And this was a drier Sasha snuggling up to a sleeping Joel's leg looking sad and woebegone.

What I'd miss

Today we sat around in the open quadrangle, singing praises to God while music from the guitar rang out to all four corners of the soccer field as we sang to our hearts' delight. Only then did I realise that this is what I'd miss most about University life...sitting in a circle with good company, in common intent, gazing up to the lovely blue sky and passing clouds and knowing, knowing that I'm loved.

That I'm very much treasured and loved.

Sunday Afternoons

Sunday afternoons are meant for sleeping, meant for laziness to kick in, meant for a little belly rub and neck scratch.

But Sunday afternoons are also well-spent strolling hand in hand through the park, to the reservoir. They are well-spent dancing in the rain or praying side by side. They are well-spent sitting beside the lazy permanent resident of the park, chuckling at her tosses and turns, talking about anything that Sunday brings.

I love Sunday afternoons. :)

Assault

Got assaulted today...by my mom.

Started out with a jog in the morning on the usual route. Was about to cross the road when I stupidly deviated from the pavement and stepped into a hole in the grass (I think). Next thing I knew my headphones detached from the iPod which went flying in another direction and a loud 'crack' sound, and I'm on the grass. Pushed myself off the ground and felt momentarily glad that I missed the pavement and landed on the grass instead, sat there for a while groaning over my left ankle. Some auntie pushing a silly cart saw me and went on her way, like any typical Singaporean would. I then stood up, picked up the iPod and hobbled to the nearest bus stop and took two buses back.

My brother accompanied me to the doctor's, doctor confirmed that it was only a sprain, gave away $12 for a 5 min consultation. My mom rushed back because my brother phoned her and said I was crying (I was not!) and in pain, and saw that I was neither. Then began her assault. I never quite comprehend my consent to be accupuntured. She had her needles and I was screaming my head off. Then she proceeded on to rub at the injured bit with some ointment and was merciless at that. I writhed and trashed about, hitting her arm as she determinedly went on her way and calling me an ingrate for hurting her so. It was a horrible horrible bit of ordeal.

The ankle swelled even more after that and I could not bring myself to school. And the worst bit is knowing that all the nice 5 min doctor advised was to 'R-rest, I-ice, C-compress, E-elevate it and you'd be well in a week!'

Ironic thing is that last night before sleeping I read this medical case about how this pregnant woman who was suffering from some illness refused to have the c-section against the doctors' advice, but apparently the doctors went ahead with the procedure, saving both mom and baby. The woman sued the hospital after that and the judge said that she had a right to her bodily integrity and freedom of choice so it was an assault to her.

I suppose with regards to moms, children like me have neither such right nor freedom of choice. :p

I saw what I saw

A rather inspirational song by Sara Groves. It's really touching and encouraging at the same time. A fair bit of tussle at home today, I don't wish for better parents but somehow I've always wished for more inconsequential things to worry about, like clothes, what to write in blog, what hairstyle to cut, maybe what grades I'd get. I hear you say that it builds character. But the process is painful and ongoing, there's no way to abandon it or even an option to throw in the towel and declare 'I quit'. It's a burden, yet a blessing if it builds character. Yet in my weak moments I'd gladly be that happy spoilt person. This 'character-building process' has brought me neither joy nor peace.

I saw what I saw and I can't forget it
I heard what I heard and I can't go back
I know what I know and I can't deny it

Something on the road, cut me to the soul

Your pain has changed me
your dream inspires
your face a memory
your hope a fire
your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
(what I am made of)
and what I know of love
and what I know of God

we've done what we've done and we can't erase it
we are what we are and it's more than enough
we have what we have but it's no substitution

Something on the road, touched my very soul

I say what I say with no hesitation
I have what I have and I'm giving it up
I do what I do with deep conviction

Something on the road, changed my world

Hm

I wonder who still reads this blog. Ah well.

Few weeks after AnnTIC and being fired up about the need to raise awareness about social injustices, the importance of standing up against these structural evils etc, only to return to Singapore and reading news of the assassination of Bhutto, the killings in Kenya. Then a brief holiday in Vietnam and seeing the remnants of the war, the people affected by Agent Orange.

It's like hoping for light in the world of darkness.

I feel blessed to be in Singapore yet burdened by it. Because I know that for the one who is given blessings more will be expected of her.